Wanna know a secret?
I want to be a filmmaker. It's funny how easy confessions can be online when you can't see people's reactions in real-time. You only see the filtered versions that they showcase in their replies. Some of the authenticity is lost, but then again so are some of the risks. And this confession feels...risky. I know that we're just getting to know each other here but an important thing that you should know about me is that I'm not a girl who takes a lot of risks. I'm adventurous and fun-loving, but I'm intentional with how I venture out and purposeful with the things that I love. This is why coming out and saying this secret (fact) is so scary for me because it isn't something that I've always planned on wanting and pursuing. It's actually fairly new. But I'm a spiritual person. I believe in God, the universe, and astrology (in that order) and I've been paying a lot of attention to the things around me and I've noticed something---Film is EVERYWHERE. It's funny how one can just totally be oblivious to all of the mini-worlds within this world until they pause for a moment and start paying attention. Film has become a huge part of my life not only through my growing interest and understanding of it but also through the people that I've met during the past year or so and there's something in my gut that tells me that it's here to stay. I have so much certainty that filmmaking is what I love and what I'd love to do but that doesn't make the idea of pursuing it any less terrifying. Because at the end of the day, a career in the arts is one that lacks the security that a big part of me needs. It's interesting to me how people love art and the arts but still look down upon artists. I feel like that perception is a big part of why I steer clear of actualizing this urge that I have inside me to create works of art that could make other people feel the way that films like Beginners and The Virgin Suicides have made me feel. Because that feeling is...brilliant, and I want to be able to channel that towards people so much. But just the idea that people might not be interested in or like what I create is a tough one to think about. Which is why I made an Instagram page. It's @screenplaypages and my idea was for it to be a place where I can literally post screenshots of pages of screenplays that I've written and receive feedback from the Instagram film community. Last night I passed 100 followers on that page and I felt happy, it's a nice milestone. So I posted a couple of pages and got seven likes. Not a nice milestone. I can't figure out if the account is a waste of time or a good way for me to thicken up my skin because I've had the account for over 6 months now and I've received less than five comments about my pages. Only four of them were positive. So there's that. I feel like it's a good exercise for me, to just keep putting work out into the world and get meager responses back. It's thickening my skin, I think. Today I watched The Virgin Suicides (dir Sofia Coppola) for the first time and I fell in love with it. Sofia just really...gets it. And by it, I mean the female gaze on teenage girls which is what I love seeing in movies (see: my obsession with Ladybird) because I am a teenage girl and #representationmatters. I decided that I was going to write on my Instagram about it because I really wanted to share what I was feeling. I wrote:
"THE VIRGIN SUICIDES!! wowwowwowwow. This movie had been on my watch list for the longest time and I finally watched it today and I fell in LOVE with it. I’ve watched a lot of Sofia Coppola films and I adore the delicacy with which she portrays women and girls. This movie was lovely and heartbreaking in the very best way"
I posted that 7 hours ago and my only like is from my devoted 50-year-old male follower from New Zealand. It's tough when I post things that I've worked really hard on and then nobody gives them enough time of day to even like them. But I think it's helping me learn that I need to be secure enough in my work (and myself, but that's a whole other post) that I can love it whole heatedly despite whether external validation for it or not. So I'm going to keep @screenplaypages going, and maybe I'll tell my friends about it. One day.
Comments
Post a Comment