If I ever got a tattoo...

I'd probably faint and/or cry the second they used those little cleaning wipes to prepare me for the needle. Then, after being nursed back to health with a juice box and slightly sedated with something serious but sensible (try saying those last seven words five times fast...), I'd hop back on my chair and finalize my design. The idea of getting a tattoo freaks me out because tattoos are forever and the thought of anything that I do being final is genuinely terrifying, So I wouldn't even bother trying to come up with a design of something special or even relatively important. No, I'd get something silly enough for it not to be taken too seriously but respectable enough for it to not make me look like a total idiot. A bee...a semi circle...a fried egg...the letter w...a qr code that sends you to the YouTube video of Beyoncé's 2009 Grammy performance...a rubber ducky. Nothing is really off limits as long is it fits the aforementioned requirements. I'd want the tattoo to be tiny enough that I would be able to possibly pass it off as a wacky birthmark at a job interview or cover it up with fenty 385 (yes, I had to run to my bathroom to check what my shade was) foundation if I had to be around my mother for too long, but large enough to be a funky conversation starter. I used to believe that the bottom of my foot would be an excellent place to get a tattoo because I would only have to show it to people if I really wanted to, but now just thinking about the process of taking off my shoe and shoving my foot into somebody's face to show them my tattoo makes me want to giggle but also makes me wanna explode. So that's no longer an option for me! Now I think that the nape of my neck would be a fabulous tattoo place because it's like the bottom of my foot in that I would still have some choice in how visible my tattoo would be on any given day (because of my hair) but it's nowhere near as gross. Also because 'nape of neck' is one of those semi-sexy phrases that I'd always read in romance literature (fanfiction) and be like 'wow they're talking about the \nape of her neck...that's so sultry.' So I've got ideas for my tattoo's design, size, and location, now all I'm missing is my soundtrack. I'd want something inspirational and relatively upbeat---just not in a Rachel Platten Fight Song way. No, I'd probably pop in my notoriously tackily named Spotify playlist 'Inspa Minspa' and travel on the emotional rollercoaster that going from Maggie Rogers' Fallingwater to Barba Streisand's I'm the Greatest Star to Lorde's Ribs within the span of 15 minutes would take me on. I feel like I would have a fine and dandy time getting a tattoo if I followed the plans that I've set in stone (written down for a blog that approximately 4.8 people read). Sure, I'd probably end up regretting the entire endeavor .4 seconds after the needle hit my skin and 35 years after I got the tattoo and started feeling like Nora Ephron (congrats if you understand that reference), but I'd also have done something exciting and sort of reckless which is something to be proud of. For me anyways. 

PS: Congrats on making it to the end! What you just read was a part of my new series called 'Hypotheticals.' In this series I will think of hypothetical situations that I haven't lived through yet/probably won't ever live through and then make detailed plans for them because I'm a Type-A Virgo that also just happens to be an asshole. I hope you enjoyed the first installment, until next time!